


I have my own bed (but yours is warmer)

by Jin000



Category: K-pop, 크나큰 | KNK (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Happy Ending, M/M, This is all because I just want youjin to give heejun a proper hug, bed sharing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2018-10-18 14:50:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jin000/pseuds/Jin000
Summary: "There were a few things youjin knew for sure. One of them was that every member of knk had their own bed. Another was that every member was aware of his hatred of skinship. One thing he couldn't figure out was why one of his members had woken him up by lifting the blankets and causing the bed to dip before crawling into bed behind him."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't beta read, so bear with me on any typos. it's also my first fic because these two are the first ship I've ever wanted to write for.

There were a few things youjin knew for sure. One of them was that every member of knk had their own bed. Another was that every member was aware of his hatred of skinship. Assuming the first two were true, he couldn't figure out was why one of his members had woken him up by lifting the blankets and causing the bed to dip before crawling into bed behind him. 

Was seungjun looking to get something from him by annoying him with his cute antics? was jihun asking for back scratches after getting kicked out of seungjun’s room? Or was it inseong just coming to annoy him? 

When a pair of arms encircled his waist and he felt a head rest against his back he knew it was heejun. Although all the members loved to tease youjin by hugging and kissing him on camera heejun was the only one that persisted off camera too. 

He tried pulling away but there wasn't enough room in the bed for him to break heejun’s grip. So instead he said “go away heejun-ah” in a sleepy voice. But heejun just made a whining sound and didn't move. So he said “What” and when the maknae didn't respond he continued “heejun either tell me what it is or get out, we have a schedule tomorrow” 

It was silent for another beat and just when youjin started to sigh heejun said “hyung”

“Yeah?”  
“Do you really think I'm gross?”  
“What??”  
“When we hug you and stuff you always say it's gross”

Youjin remembers the interview earlier that day where they'd asked why he didn't like the members touching him and he'd said “it’s just gross.” It wasn't the first time he'd said it, but this time the interviewer had pursued it and asked if he found touching the fans disgusting which threw him into a panic, where he vehemently denied it saying it was only gross when his members did it, and with that the interview moved on and youjin could breathe a sigh of relief at having avoided the situation. 

“I- I don't think you guys are gross, it's just… uncomfortable” youjin didn't know himself what made it so uncomfortable for him so he couldn't properly put it into words, but even now it felt stifling, his face felt hot, it was hard to breath and his heart was beating harder than usual, he couldn't concentrate on anything with heejun wrapped around him like that.

“Am I making you uncomfortable right now?” Heejun asked.

“Yeah” honestly it was impossible to focus when he could feel heejun’s breath on the back of his neck, and that was the best he could come up with at the moment, he couldn't concentrate enough to be tactful.

“Sorry” heejun said pulling his arms back like he'd been burned. Youjin felt a flash of guilt but he could finally breath again, although he also felt the loss of warmth and… something else, as he felt heejun turn over on his back. 

Heejun spoke again “It's just, in other groups the older members are always showering the maknae with affection even when they reject it, and…” heejun sniffed and youjin wasn't sure if it was just a stuffed nose or something else. “I guess I'm just tired. Sorry for bothering you hyung.”

Youjin was still trying to process the younger’s words and before he could say it was alright and that heejun wasn't bothering him (and that he loves him more than any other group could ever love their maknaes) he felt the bed shift again and heard heejun slipping out. Youjin was left feeling guilty without quite knowing why, he decided to have a talk with heejun in the morning.

___

But the next day there was no chance for a sensitive discussion, they had an early schedule and had to rush out first thing in the morning. Then all day there never seemed to a chance to be alone with heejun. He seemed full of energy as usual though so maybe youjin had worried for nothing but something still bothered him. Heejun’s busyness was almost too perfect he was either joking around with jihun and seungjun or jumping around and screaming with inseong but his smile didn't reach his eyes and his laugh sounded off. Youjin was quiet and rarely initiated conversations but he tried to catch heejun's eye wanting to ask if he was alright but heejun never looked his way. 

During their broadcast that day heejun hugged youjin like he often did, but it wasn't the death grip he usually put youjin in, this was clearly just for show. Youjin realized with a jolt that that was the first contact he’d had all day seeing as heejun hadn't been bothering him as usual. It was over before he could even begin to react to it though and then they wrapped up their broadcast and headed back to the dorm. 

In the car youjin gathered up his courage and turned to heejun “hey are you ok?” Heejun looked at him with his wide eyes that the older boy had always thought were a little too pretty “yeah Hyung, why wouldn't I be?” Youjin was going to press the issue but the maknae was already turning away to look out the window and putting his headphones on.

Back home everyone took turns showering and then some of them settled down to watch a movie before bed. On his way out of the bathroom youjin couldn't help noticing heejun snuggled up against inseong on the couch. Inseong had his arms around heejun and was gently carding his fingers through heejun’s damp hair. Youjin frowned, were they always this close? Just then inseong noticed him standing there seemingly frozen “Hyung do you want to watch with us? It's just starting.” Heejun didn't look away from the tv. “Uh no thanks I'm just gonna head to bed.” And he turned and went to his room trying to figure out if heejun had actually been avoiding him all day or if it was just coincidence. 

Over the next few days it became clear that heejun, although not exactly avoiding him, had pretty much stopped all unnecessary contact. He acted like usual on camera in interviews and on stage but outside of that he hardly looked at youjin at all and only spoke to him when the youjin asked him a question.

It made youjin realize just how much attention the maknae had been showering him with before, especially as it seemed heejun had shifted all that attention onto inseong who always responded enthusiastically to him. 

_

Later in the practice room watching heejun backhug inseong (for no apparent reason) while inseong fondly patted heejun's hands youjin felt that same suffocating feeling which made him avoid skinship in the first place, he felt too hot and his heart beat was too fast, he felt out of breath, and so he quickly left the room. Heading to the bathroom, he splashed water on his face trying to calm down. 

He heard the door open and turned to see jihun entering, but instead of using the washroom he leaned against the sink, looking nervous and stealing glances at youjin, almost but not quite able to make eye contact. 

Youjin recognized the look on his face. It was the one where he felt he had be leaderly but wasn't sure how. He didn't envy jihun’s position of being in the maknae line as well as the leader, he knew it was hard on him especially when dealing with youjin. That's why youjin always did his best to be diligent and not cause any trouble so jihun would never be placed in the awkward position of scolding his hyung. 

They'd offered the leader position to youjin first as the eldest is usually the default choice, but he had declined knowing that his communication skills weren't up for the job. They automatically passed over seungjun and inseong for obvious reasons (they had the mental ages of elementary and middle schoolers) from there it just slipped onto jihun’s shoulders, a natural people person who got along easily with anyone. 

“Hey, uh… are you… Ok?” What?

“What?” Youjin said “yeah– no– why wouldn't I be?”

“Oh I don't know” jihun looked scratched at the back of his head “you just seemed a bit off yesterday and today, I thought maybe something happened…” as an afterthought it seemed, he added “you know you can always talk to me about your problems.”

“Yeah, yeah I know thanks jihun-ah.” Youjin smiled up at him “but actually I'm more worried about heejun, don't you think he's been acting strange recently?” If youjin had been off it was because he was worried about heejun. “No? he seems fine to me, what makes you think something's wrong with him?”

“Haven't you noticed he hasn't– won't–” youjin can feel his ears beginning to burn and knows it's only a matter of time before his whole face is red but he's come too far now “he hasn't tried to hug me at all in the past two days.” Jihun looked non plussed “isn't that something you'd be happy about? you hate it when he touches you.” 

“I– no, it's not like I hate it, it's just–” but jihun is just looking at him with a disbelieving expression “come on hyung you make it pretty clear how much you hate it every time he gets near you, you do it with all of us” he says shrugging.

“It's never stopped him before…” Youjin can't explain how it's different when the other members do it since it's obvious they're just trying to annoy him, he can't explain how it becomes more urgent that he get away the longer heejun's hands are on him before... before something. He's not sure what. He can't explain it to jihun because he doesn't understand it himself. 

Jihun took pity on him and patted him on the shoulder “if it's really bothering you I can ask him about it ok?” Youjin sighed in relief. Yeah jihun would talk to him about it he was good at that, he would fix it, whatever “it” was. 

“Hey… I really do care about him– about all of you, you know that right?” Jihun's face broke into a smile “aw hyung of course we know that!” And before he knew it jihun was wrapping him in a hug, bending his knees to pretend he was shorter and resting his head on youjin’s shoulder. He groaned and tried to extricate himself but jihun clung onto him all the way back to the practice room. 

Everyone turned to look when they noisily made their way back into the practice, but youjin caught heejun hastily looking away again after glimpsing jihun attached to his back like a koala, and youjin hurriedly shooed him off, feeling his face heat up once again. 

_

After practice youjin was itching to ask jihun what happened when he’d seen him pulling heejun aside on a break earlier. And before they got to the car he held the leader back “Did you ask him? What did he say? Is something wrong? Is he mad at me? Did I did something wrong???” Jihun held his hands up stepping back “woah slow down.” 

“sorry sorry, but did he tell you anything?” Jihun’s hand went to the back of his head, a nervous gesture “yeah he told me.” youjin was relieved that he was finally going to get some answers but he also couldn't help the sting he felt at the fact that heejun hadn't told him when he’d asked. And to add insult to injury jihun continued “but he asked me not to tell anyone else” then he patted him on the shoulder and turned to walk towards the car, leaving youjin feeling more miserable than ever. 

When he gets to the car, he sees either by luck or jihun’s doing, the only free seat is in the back beside heejun. However heejun already has his headphones on and is looking out the window. Youjin takes his seat and thinks about what he could say. He's desperately curious and a little bit hurt at being shut out, but has no idea how to approach the younger boy. He realized he'd never had to, heejun always approached him first, always started the conversations

He tries several times to reach out and touch heejun, his hand hovering over the maknae’s shoulder, thigh, soft hair, callused hand fidgeting in his lap, but each time he just pulls back with a sigh, feeling lost and unable to bridge the gap. 

___

That night when heejun headed in for an early night youjin followed him into his room and sat on the edge of the bed right behind him.Not too long ago if youjin had done something like this he was sure the maknae would have turned immediately to cling onto youjin and start asking him to cuddle. But now all he got was “I thought we all had our own beds.” in a measured voice. 

He sighed “We do and I'll go to mine soon but I just want to kno–- are you… sure you're alright?” 

“I know you don't really care but yes I'm fine hyung, just a bit tired right now, ok?” heejun was still facing away and his voice was slightly muffled but it was a clear dismissal. 

He gaped, it felt like he'd been doused in icy water “you– how could– I– of course I care!” Youjin was two seconds away from cursing in surprise. “Ok sure, whatever you say hyung, can I just sleep now?” And then youjin did curse, internally, at his inability to express himself with more ease. 

He was starting to get annoyed, why was heejun being like this? And why did he have to be so bad with words, why had he let it get to the point where heejun felt he couldn't tell him things?? And he accidentally let some of that annoyance, which was mostly directed at himself, slip into his voice when he replied. “Ok fine, don't tell me, sorry I asked. I was just trying to be nice!” 

“Yeah, well I don't need you to be nice to me.” At this youjin opened the door to leave, but not before he caught a muttered “I have the other hyungs for that” it was so quiet he couldn't even be sure that he'd heard right but that didn't stop his chest from constricting painfully.

After leaving the room youjin collapsed on the sofa with a groan. He knew he should sleep or he’d be dead tomorrow but his mind wouldn't stop spinning. He couldn't stop worrying about heejun who was clearly not himself. But no one else seemed bothered by it, and he couldn't understand why heejun wouldn't open up to him. These thoughts caused him to lie there unable to move feeling eaten up with worry. 

A few moments later inseong walked by the couch where youjin was lying face down. “What's the matter with you?” To which the only reply was a groan. “Hey for real, are you ok? Are you feeling sick or something?” Youjin turned around to face him and asked “why does everyone keep asking that?” 

“Um maybe because you've been moping around for the past couple days and now you're lying face down on our couch in the middle of the night and groaning.” Inseong stated with a hint of exasperation. 

Youjin sat up properly with a sigh “it's not me, I'm just worried about heejun.” at the mention of the maknae youjin saw something change in inseong’s eyes “heejun? And why’s that?” His tone was a bit too careful and youjin had the feeling he was hiding something from him, had heejun confided in everyone except him? 

Annoyance flared in him again as he thought about how clingy inseong and heejun had been the past few days.

“I don't know, maybe you should tell me since you two have been joined at the hip recently.” Inseong’s eyes narrowed and his face turned dark at that “really? well I think he's doing just fine. Are you sure you're not just missing the attention? Feeling the loss now that he's not falling over himself to impress you? Because that kid gave you constant and unconditional love while barely even getting a glance in return. I think he deserves someone who doesn't take him for granted and doesn't make him feel like shit!” 

Youjin sat there in stunned silence, his mouth was probably hanging open, but he couldn't gather himself enough to close it as he stared at Inseong who was breathing hard after his little rant. His mind was spinning and once again before he could think of anything to say, inseong turned around and left. 

this was starting to happen too often.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejun's POV

Heejun had liked youjin from the moment he’d first met him. The older boy had looked intimidating from across the room but when he’d greeted heejun in a soft voice and given him a shy smile heejun could feel himself develop the first inklings of a puppy crush. From then on his admiration had only grown, looking at youjin’s solid frame he’d seemed so stable and grown up compared to the rest of them. His face looked lovingly sculpted and his arms looked perfect for a strong hug, and above all he made heejun feel safe. It only took a week before heejun was well and truly gone for his oldest hyung. 

Unfortunately with youjin, hugs or any type of skinship were hard to come by. At first heejun didn't mind if his affection wasn't returned and held high hopes for once youjin got more comfortable with them but as time went on not much changed. And it got harder and harder for heejun to brush off the rejection without feeling hurt. 

He knows it's pathetic but he can't help seeking out youjin’s attention, practically begging for it. He knows he should quit while he's ahead before he gets too deep and ends up getting hurt because if that happens it'll be his own damn fault for getting carried away with feelings on his own. But every bit of affection, every fond look, every hug (even if given under duress) is addictive, impossible to quit. And so he continues to follow his hyung around like a lovesick puppy unable to pull himself out of orbit. 

Heejun does finally make up his mind after an interview where youjin says he finds skinship with the members gross, it's hard to smile and continue when it feels like youjin had pushed a knife into his chest and twisted. It's not like doesn't know by now but to have it said like that makes him realize it's also unfair of him to keep forcing his feelings on to youjin.

Later, sitting with inseong, he leans his head against his shoulder and asks “hyung, how do you break up with someone you never dated?” He adds on “I'm asking for a friend” with a small laugh. 

Inseong is pretty sure he knows what heejun is really talking about and puts a comforting arm around him. “Hmmm if you never dated I guess you don't have to do anything, but just… just make sure you're not letting go without giving the other person a chance to tell you how they feel.” 

Heejun just hums but doesn't say anything else, just snuggles a little closer, and inseong’s heart hurts to see the usually bubbly maknae like this. 

That night when he slips into the bed to wrap his arms around a sleepy youjin, he thinks of it as goodbye. But at the same time he couldn't deny that if youjin responded in a way that gave even the slightest indication that he felt towards the maknae a 10th of the affection that heejun felt for him he’d never let go. 

He doesn't though, just confirms his earlier statements. Heejun knows it's time to leave, he's got his answer, but he can't help himself from trying in some way to tell youjin what he wants “It's just, in other groups the older members are always showering the maknae with affection even when they reject it, and…” he's disgusted with himself when the tears threaten to choke him. He has no right to cry over youjin when he never gave him the slightest hope and heejun had just been too thick and in love to take a hint. He's got no right to feel heartbroken over something that never was, and the last thing he wanted to do was cause youjin any guilt or worry over this. So he did his best to keep his voice steady when he said “I guess I'm just tired. Sorry for bothering you hyung.” And made a quick exit. 

That night was hard. When he entered his room inseong was there, he took one look at the maknae’s face and immediately hugged him and petted his hair while making shushing noises. That was when heejun finally let himself cry. 

The next day he felt much better, if he tried very hard not to think about it he could almost pretend his heart hadn't been crushed last night and that he hadn't cried himself to sleep and that he didn't feel a empty. In fact he was so good at pretending he almost gave youjin a good morning hug the minute he saw him. He caught himself though and instead put an arm around seungjun and started talking about breakfast even though he’d never been less hungry.

From then on avoiding youjin was tough but not impossible. Inseong understood his situation and kept him constantly distracted. He had to tell jihun when he asked, and telling jihun something was like telling seungjun as well, since the two of them had been practically married since debut and had no secrets from each other. It was much easier on him when all his hyungs understood the situation and could help him through it. With their support he might actually be able to get over his stupid one sided crush and move on. That's not to say that his breath didn't still catch when he watched youjin perform, and that he didn't find him adorable no matter what he was doing, and that he didn't think about him constantly… but there was hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently writing the next chapter, I'm planning for it to end in the next chapter or the one after that, but we'll see how that goes!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to youjin's POV

Youjin was miserable, he'd never felt so awful in his life. What had started out with mild concern at heejun’s lack of interaction had turned into full on worry, and then moved on to guilt and frustration ever since inseong yelled at him and then refused to say anymore. 

He felt frustrated and hurt at being left out of heejun’s confidence. Although everyone treated him the same as ever not having heejun constantly bouncing around him left him feeling lonely even when surrounded by all the members, and watching him play with the others, especially inseong had his blood pressure skyrocketing and it took all his self control not to walk over, grab heejun and force him to tell him what was wrong. That was what made him most upset, whatever he’d done - because by now he was sure he must have done something wrong - he didn’t know what it was and wasn't being given a chance to fix it. 

But that was it, he didn't want to cause any problems in the group or start anything at such a crucial stage early in their careers, he refused to put the group in danger and preferred instead to suck it up and suffer in silence and hope that everything would eventually work itself out. 

At least that's what he told himself, but by the time two weeks had gone by he thought he'd go crazy if he got another one word response from heejun, if heejun averted his eyes one more time, if he pulled away from even a pat on the back like he'd been burned. It was difficult to admit but youjin was half crazy with how much he missed the maknae and his sweet smiles that had so often been directed at him...

After two weeks of this torture youjin snapped. Everyone was packing up and leaving after practice and he and heejun were the last ones out. Before heejun could follow the others out of the practice room youjin dragged him back by the arm “Hyung what–” but he was cut off when he was pushed back against the wall. Youjin's hands were tight around his biceps keeping him in place. 

“Heejun-ah please. Why are you being like this, what did I do?” He said trying to get the maknae to look him in the eye. But heejun kept his face turned away, looking down he said “I don't know what you mean, everything's fine–” 

Youjin moved one of his hands to heejun’s chin forcing his face up, but he kept his eyes averted. “Look at me! And tell me what's wrong” when heejun did look up youjin almost wished he hadn't, he could see his eyes were teary and now he could feel that heejun was trembling in his grip. He immediately dropped his hands and stepped back. 

“I'm sorry, heenjun-ah I'm sorry I–” but heejun just turned and ran out of the studio without a word.

Youjin stayed at the studio for a while after that. He couldn't get heejun’s face out of his mind. He'd looked like he was in pain, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Normally youjin would kill whoever had put that expression on the the younger boy’s face but he couldn't get away from the thought that he had done it himself. 

He lay on the studio floor alternating between wanting to die and thinking back to the last time heejun had really hugged him and wishing that he'd turned over and hugged him back and told him how much he really loved and appreciated him, and that no matter what he did he could never really bother him. He also tried to think about any other times he might have done something nice for heejun and he could think of woefully few examples. Damn his inability to express himself! After about an hour of lying on the floor and wallowing, he got up and headed back to the dorm with a renewed determination to fix things. 

_____

“Seungjun-ah can I talk to you?” 

He stood in the entrance to the second oldest member’s bedroom. Talking to both jihun and inseong had been unproductive and so despite the fact that he would not usually take advice from a 5 year old here he was asking for seungjun’s help. Although he may not have been the most mature person, youjin had to admit that he often wished he could follow seungjun’s relaxed take on life, and he admired his ability to be gentle with people and make them comfortable. 

The 5 year old in question was currently stretched out on his bed watching a cartoon on his phone, and looked up and smiled when he saw youjin “what do you want to talk about hyung?” 

youjin looked away slightly embarrassed, but he said “I want your... advice? on something” Seungjun let out a small laugh “well it will cost you-” youjin was ready for that and smiled as he pulled a banana milk from behind his back. Seungjun clapped like a kid and made grabby hands “thanks hyung!” The older boy couldn’t help but laugh wishing all his problems could be solved so simply. 

“So, I think I can guess what's on your mind hyung, and I assure you the solution is very simple.” youjin raises his eyebrows skeptically “ok what's on my mind then?” 

“Heejun.” He answers simply. Ok well that one was easy, everyone was aware of it now. “Fine you're right, but what's your solution then.” Seungjun looks at him and smiles mischievously and say “I'm not supposed to tell you” and just as youjin is getting ready to choke him he continues “I'm not supposed to tell you but– I don't like us not being a happy cuddly family, so I'm going to tell you and you can't tell anyone I told you.” 

Youjin tries not to look too eager but he is all ears and quickly agrees not to tell anyone. “Ok so here's the thing. Heejun is in love with you–” youjin chokes but seungjun continues as if youjin isn't currently coughing up a lung “aaand you're in love with heejun! So all you have to do is go kiss him and tell him that you love him” seungjun is sitting and smiling as if he just solved world hunger when in fact he couldn't solve his way out of paper bag. Youjin doesn't know why he thought seungjun would say anything sensible. 

He was ready to leave but first he had to set the record straight “first, heejun is not in love with me. Second, I am not in love with him. I love him like my little brother but I'm not in love with him. Third this makes your solution useless and also stupid!” Seungjun had the gall to look taken aback as if he had actually expected youjin to thank him and go off to find heejun and sweep him off his feet with a romantic confession and a tender kiss… he could probably do it, he knows he can lift heejun up and heejun would be so surprised his eyes would get even bigger and his expression would be so cu– what the hell?!? Where was he even going with that train of thought?

He shook himself back to reality, and tuned in just in time to hear seungjun saying “–giving you the easy solution but if you're not willing to admit it then you're going to have to do it the hard way” youjin sighed well aware that he didn't have any other options “what's the hard way then, and if you mention anyone being in love again I'm gonna kick your skinny ass” 

“Right, right” seungjun said with airy wave completely unintimidated “have you tried just being nice to him?” Youjin was about say indignantly that he was always nice when he remembered his hour long wallowing session on the studio floor and thought maybe there was room for improvement “sure but how am I supposed be nice if he won't even talk to me?” 

“Showing you care is sometimes better without words.” Seungjun said while nodding sagely at his own words “Now if you want more advice I need more snacks.” youjin is all out of snacks but he thinks he might know what seungjun means when he thinks about all the times seungjun scratches jihun’s back without being asked or when jihun feeds seungjun the tastiest pieces of meat. As he's leaving he stops at the door and says “Y’know as ridiculous as you are as a person I don't think we give you enough credit for being smart.” But seungjun is already absorbed in his cartoon again giggling at something one of the characters said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know my chapters are kind of short but I'd rather update quickly, next chapter should be up soon!


	4. Chapter 4

The next day youjin is thinking that giving advice is a lot easier than taking it. He'd started the day by making breakfast for heejun who'd just said he wasn't really hungry and handed his plate to inseong who had inhaled the eggs and then run out the door after heejun. 

He'd tried complementing heejun's hair at the salon, but he had just gestured to the hair stylist noona saying he should give her the compliment.

He noticed that heejun was out of water during practice and went to go refill his bottle for him, but when he got back he was already drinking out of jihun’s. 

When he was at the convenience store picking out snacks he made sure to get all of heejun's favourites. While waiting in line for his turn to pay he couldn't help imagining how heejun’s eyes might light up, how he might jump up and down and cling on to youjin’s arm or give him a hug-- 

“Sir? Excuse me sir are you next in line…” he was snapped out of his thoughts by the girl behind the counter who smiled and asked “did something good happen to you today?” As she rang up his items. Youjin was a bit surprised by the question “Um not really why?” 

“Oh you were smiling a lot while you were in line, I thought you must be having a good day” she explained with a laugh and youjin felt heat spread from his ears across the rest of his face as he realized he'd been grinning like an idiot while thinking about heejun’s reaction to his gift of snacks “oh n-no nothing like that” he said with an embarrassed laugh. He took his change and got out of there as quickly as possible without offering any other explanation as the girl watched him go slightly bewildered. 

When he finally got back to the dorm eager to see heejun, he discovered the maknae had already gone to bed. 

So much for this nonverbal show of affection he thought dejectedly as he opened one of the snacks he'd bought, thinking of playing some video games to take his mind off things. Herjun’s avoidance tactics were too strong for his awkward attempts to get closer. 

Three spectacular losses later youjin gives up on the game. His concentration really was shot. He never could have imagined how much the situation with heejun would affect him. Everything was all wrong without the kid cracking jokes and jumping on him all day. He lay down on his bed feeling hollow. 

He must have been more tired than he'd realized because the next thing he knew he was dozing off.

He walked into the kitchen to see Heejun tearfully telling the others that he had to leave the band and when they asked him why he just turned and pointed at youjin with an accusing stare. Youjin shook his head saying there must be some kind of mistake and he ran out the door. As soon as he got outside he looked down and realized he wasn't wearing any pants, but he was in too much of a rush to do anything about it and instead took off running. He had started off running to the office to talk to the company director about keeping heejun in the group but after twisting and turning down streets that were almost but not quite recognizable he realized he was actually chasing after heejun whom he kept seeing flashes of just disappearing around a corner. Every time he thought he'd lost him he caught another glimpse and gave chase with renewed energy. This continued until he was out of breath and his limbs felt like lead and finally when he could hardly move at all heejun came right up to him and lowered his head to bring their faces together, his hands on either side of his face gently tilting it so he could whisper something in his ear. But youjin couldn't make it out over the pounding of his own heart. Then he smiled and walked away and youjin knew, the way you know in dreams, that he'd never find him again. 

Youjin woke up covered in sweat and with tears pricking at his eyes. He turned over trying to untangle his limbs from the sheet that had gotten twisted around him. Checking the clock he saw it was 1:30 am which meant that he'd only been asleep for an hour and a half. He could hear someone still watching a movie in the living room. 

Going back to sleep was not an option after that unsettling dream so he got out of bed and collected his things for a shower his mind mostly preoccupied with thoughts of heejun and the strange dream. He did make sure to check he was wearing pants before he left. 

_____

He walked passed seungjun, jihun, and inseong watching a marvel movie they'd already seen, and into the bathroom. He wanted a quick shower to wash the sweat away and hopefully clear his head. Five minutes later he stepped out feeling cleaner but no less disgruntled. 

Coming out of the bathroom again he saw that the movie was still going. He started to head to his own room but an idea suddenly took over him and he redirected towards heejun's room. He slipped in and closed the door quietly behind himself, with his heart in his throat. He had no idea what he was doing but he wanted to do something. The first piece of advice seungjun had given him had stayed in his mind. He wasn't about to proclaim his love and kiss heejun but maybe the direct approach would work anyways. 

Despite his racing heart and the butterfly rave happening in his stomach he forced himself to pull away from the door and move towards the smaller boy’s sleeping form. He took a breath realizing this was his last chance to leave quietly and pretend this never happened. So before he could lose his nerve he climbed into the bed behind heejun, and after a moments hesitation put his arm over him. This seemed to rouse the boy who turned over sleepily and said “hyung…?” In such a soft adorable voice that youjin melted. He hardly had enough air in his lungs breath out a hoarse “yeah...” 

He was about to continue, to launch into an apology or plea he wasn't sure. But just then heejun's hand came up to land on his cheek and his words died on his tongue. Instead he went still like heeejun was an animal he might frighten away if he moved an inch. The boy’s warm hand slowly moved down to stroke over his neck and shoulders and eventually wrapped around his torso while heejun snuggled closer burying his face in youjin’s chest. He wondered briefly if heejun thought he was a different hyung, maybe inseong, but he also found he didn't want to know if that was the case.

He wished he could just stay like that forever and everything would be fixed in the morning. But he knew it wouldn't be long before the movie was over and the others started heading to bed. He had come with a purpose in mind and he'd come too far now to let it go. 

“H-heejun-ah, heejun” he gently rocked the boy’s shoulder. “Mmmf” heejun just snuggled closer, and youjin was having a hard time now, he was surprised the hammering of his heart hadn't already woken the sleeping boy up yet. He tried again anyways. Shaking the boy slightly more roughly “heejun” He hissed “I need to talk to you!” Heejun just continued to make groaning sounds screwing his eyes shut tighter. He was clearly awake now, but just in denial.

When he finally whined “hyuuuung, what is it” and opened his eyes they went as wide as dinner plates at seeing youjin of all people in his bed and three inches away from his face, rather than any of his other clingier more annoying hyungs. He attempted to scramble back from youjin to put some distance between them, but seeing as his body was still half asleep and he was wrapped up in blankets all he really managed to do was flop against youjin and almost punch him in the nose more than once. 

When he finally did manage to pull away slightly his fists went up to his eyes to rub at them. Youjin was momentarily distracted by how endearing this gesture was and before he could to say anything heejun breathed “this– this is a dream right?” 

“What? No it's– no heejun I just–” 

“Because if it's not a dream you need to leave.” Heejun cut him off with a voice that seemed to try at being calm. He tried to move further back in the limited space the bed gave them but youjin reached out to keep him in place. This time though he was careful and gentle. He raised one hand to rest it softly against the younger boy’s neck and cheek and said barely above a whisper “heejun-ah please I just want to talk to you, I want to know what's wrong, and how to fix it, I– I miss you and–” 

“Please” heejun also responded barely over a whisper and youjin only realized now just how close their faces were when he felt heejun’s breath ghost over his face as he continued “please don't do this to me now, it's too hard and it hurts too much. If you could just wait” he begged “just a little bit longer and I promise everything will be back to normal, I promise hyung I promise, I'm sorry I–” 

Heejun is starting to cry now, tears forming and then spilling from his eyes, and youjin’s got his hands on either side of the maknae’s face wiping at the tears with his thumbs “Shh shh What do you mean? I just want to help, can't you trust me even a little?” Heejun surges forward all of a sudden and wraps his arms around youjin’s neck clinging tightly “I do trust you hyung, more than anyone, I really do” he's practically sitting in the older boy’s lap. Normally this would be where youjin freaks out and pulls away but this time he's to preoccupied with the distraught boy in his arms to notice his thumping heart or the shivers in his spine. He just runs his hands through heejun’s hair and down his back in what he hopes is a soothing gesture. “I trust you but I can't tell you because I already know that you– that you don't feel–” 

Just then a burst of sound came into the room along with a piercing light from where inseong had opened the door. The two jumped apart, heejun practically throwing himself off of youjin. That's when youjin realized it had been a while since he'd stopped hearing the background noise from the movie. Squinting into the light he could see that inseong had an expression that was a lot surprised and a little sheepish too. “Oh-h sorry I didn't– should I– am I interrupting…?” youjin glanced back to where heejun was lying now facing away from himscrubbing at his eyes. His face burning and trying to calm his breathing enough to answer inseong he sighed because the moment was gone and said “no it's fine, I was just leaving.” It was only half an accident when his shoulder collided with inseong on the way out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No matter what every chapter always gets away from me, so here's another chapter that ended differently than I'd planned


	5. Chapter 5

“Ah this hyung” inseong complained as he rubbed his shoulder. “Hey Heejunie, what was youjin hyung doing in here?” Heejun was trying his best to compose himself so it wouldn't look like he'd been crying, and even though he took a deep breath before answering he worried the stuffiness in his voice would betray him. “I don't know, he probably just came to get some…” he trailed off when he saw the ‘are you kidding me’ look on his hyung’s face, inseong rolled his eyes for good measure “heejun you two were practically wrapped around each other so how about what really happened? Did you at least work things out, did you tell him how you feel?” 

Heejun looked down at his lap and shook his head “no, but I almost did. I almost ruined everything.” Inseong frowned and put his arm around the maknae “maybe you should tell him, I think you're not giving youjin enough credit for being kind, and either way it’ll clear the air a bit” 

“That's just it hyung! Youjin hyung is way too kind, it would just burden him if I told him I liked him.” Inseong looked away thinking. From what he'd just witnessed he's not sure if youjin wouldn't find it a relief to hear a confession from heejun. But he didn't say anything, just patted the younger boy’s head and hummed then said “go back sleep, sorry for disturbing you.” And he is sorry, he has a feeling something big could've happened if he hadn't walked into the room so callously. 

_____

Heejun lay back down his mind whirling. He didn't think sleeping would be possible. Instead he went over every detail he could remember of the whole encounter scrutinizing everything that had happened. He'd originally thought in his sleepy state that inseong had come to sleep with him since he knew the maknae hated to be alone and preferred company even when sleeping. Most nights he shared a bed with either inseong or jihun. 

Of course as soon as he'd realized who it actually was he was thrown for a loop, nothing about youjin cuddling him in bed made sense anywhere except in his fantasies. And if youjin had said he was dreaming he would have pounced on him. He was weak and he would've taken the opportunity in a dream to kiss his beloved hyung all he wanted and suffered for it emotionally in the morning. But it wasn't a dream and nothing made sense. 

He pulled the covers over his head and curled into a ball. It wasn't a dream and youjin had held his face and looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered. It wasn't a dream and their faces had been so close he'd almost kissed youjin and ruined everything. It wasn't a dream and youjin had hugged him tighter than he ever had before and it felt better than heejun could have imagined. But he'd ruined that too by crying all over his hyung and probably making him super uncomfortable. It was probably a good thing that inseong had interrupted before heejun could make an even bigger fool of himself just because he became an emotional pile of goo anytime youjin showed some affection. All the same he couldn't help but wonder if telling youjin would have relieved some of the crushing weight that been on his chest the last few weeks. 

_____

“Ya I want a refund” a pair of rolled up socks bounced off of seungjun’s head, from where youjin was standing in his doorway. Seungjun looked up with such an innocent look on his face, if youjin didn't know better he'd think seungjun really had no idea what he was talking about “you owe me a banana milk” he continued sitting down on seungjun’s bed uninvited. 

“Why?” Seungjun was still playing innocent but his signature guilty smile gave him away. “None of your advice worked, in fact it might've made things worse!” Seungjun frowned at this “did you kiss him and tell him you love him?” He asked, one eyebrow raised. “No! Of course not!” 

“Ok and did you try being nice and spending time with him?” Youjin flushed slightly at this, realizing that although he'd put time and effort into it heejun had for the most part not felt most of that effort “I– well I tried to but– he's just so– so– elusive!” Seungjun is grinning again “seeing as you didn't actually follow my advice properly, I don't owe you anything” 

He's a little surprised when youjin slumps over on the bed with a huge sigh, takes a deep breath like he's getting ready to say something and then just heaves another sigh. Seungjun leans over him and pats his shoulder “hey how about we all go out to that new restaurant you wanted to try tomorrow? It's been awhile since we all went out together for something other than a schedule.” Youjin just grunted his agreement, too preoccupied to get excited about food. Which was ridiculous in seungjun’s books, anything that got in the way of the enjoyment of food was a huge problem.

______

Seungjun twirled around slowly in his chair, peering at inseong and jihun over his steepled fingers “I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here today” he says in his best mysterious voice. Jihun bursts out laughing but inseong just gives him a withering look before plopping down on seungjun’s bed and saying “this can't go on, what are we gonna do about youjin hyung and heejunie?” Seungjun pouted “I was just getting to that, you're no fun.” 

But Seungjun quickly recovered his good humour because he had some interesting things to tell his dongsaengs “so youjin hyung is totally whipped for our very own maknae–” 

“Tell us something we don't know” snickered jihun. “But do you know how I know?” Asked seungjun looking entirely too smug for the situation, both of the other boys just looked at him nonplussed. “Youjin hyung came to me for advice about heejun. Twice.” He sat there looking ridiculously pleased. 

Inseong snorted “I walked in on them practically making out just now” jihun gasped and seungjun looked torn between being offended at the lack of reaction to his revelation or to demand details. Curiosity quickly won out. “You mean they've already kissed!?” He yelped. 

At this inseong had the decency to look slightly chagrined “well it looked like they were about to when I walked in but I guess I kind of ruined it” he said looking down. Then he looked back up and leaned forward off the bed “but I'm sure they couldn't have been doing anything else, they were like this close!” He said pushing his face towards seungjun until they were barely an inch apart. That's when jihun kicked inseong in the butt causing one hyung to nearly headbutt the other. Jihun started cackling and after that the three of them were on the floor in helpless hysterics. 

Finally, once they'd all managed to collect themselves again seungjun continued by saying “anyways as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I suggested to youjin hyung that we all go out and eat together at that new restaurant he was interested in.” 

“But?” Jihun asked because he could tell there was more to seungjun's smile than that. “But” seungjun’s smile widens “we’re going to ditch those two after we get there, give them an excuse to have some quality time together” jihun thinks he doesn't give seungjun enough credit for being diabolical.  
_____

The next day after practice all the boys got changed and then headed out to the restaurant. As has had become the norm these days both youjin and heejun seemed lost in their own worlds. Walking there it was left to the other three to keep up conversation to lighten the mood. Once they'd all sat down and had a look around, seungjun popped back up from his seat “I just need to use the bathroom, be right back!” 

“Oh actually me too” inseong chimed in, and they both walked off around the corner. That left jihun still sitting there nervously, trying to think of another excuse. Jeeze how could those guys just leave like that, what am I supposed to do, I can't say I have to go to the bathroom now! I'll sound like a weirdo and they'll get suspicious. He snuck a peek at the two victims of their little scheme. Neither were paying him any attention, instead they were focused on their menus. He decided saying anything at all would just call attention to himself and make things awkward so he just got up and made a run for it. 

Outside the restaurant jihun ran up to seungjun and smacked him in the arm and then he pushed inseong “hyung how could you just leave me like that!” 

Later the three of them sat around a table at a different restaurant just a hundred feet away cackling at the angry messages they were getting on their phones.  
_____

Youjin looked up when the waitress came to take their order. He looked around the table realizing only he and heejun were still there. “Uh sorry there are a few more in our group, should we wait to order?” He asked the waitress. She smiled and waved her hand “oh that's fine, I can go ahead get your orders and come back around for theirs in a few minutes!” Youjin looked over at heejun, ignoring the flutter in the pit of his stomach when they made eye contact for the first time that day. Heejun just shrugged, so they both went ahead and placed their orders. 

A few minutes later, still no one had returned and the tension was getting thicker. The silence stretched as heejun kept fidgeting with his napkin and chopsticks. Youjin was casting about for something to say but after last night any small talk seemed inconsequential and like they were ignoring the elephant in the room. But he didn't want to bring up anything serious when the rest of their members were due back any minute. 

Eventually heejun spoke up “should I go check…?” At the same time youjin said “they've been gone a long time…” they both stopped then laughed nervously, heejun’s small smile making youjin’s face warm slightly. “Yeah I'm gonna just go check for them in the bathroom.” 

As soon as heejun was out of sight youjin slumped over releasing a breath he hadn't even known he was holding. He'd been so tense the whole time that his shoulders ached. He's still stuck on what happened last night but heejun has been acting like nothing happened at all and it's messing with youjin’s head. He lays his head in his arms, all he wants is for things to go back to normal with heejun. 

Youjin looks up when he hears footsteps and sees heejun returning by himself instead of with the rest of the kids in tow as he'd been expecting. “They weren't there” an apologetic tone in his voice. “In fact they weren't anywhere I checked the whole restaurant and outside as well” he said shrugging. Youjin frowned “did they.. ditch us?” He asked incredulously. He got out his phone and sent a message to the group chat so they'd all see it.

Youjin: ya where did you punks go

Youjin: I'm not kidding answer me

He finished with an angry frog emoji and then heard heejun let out a laugh. He was looking at his phone evidently also seeing the message in the group chat. “What's funny?” Youjin asked “sorry hyung but I was just imagining what you'd look like making the same face as the frog” without thinking Youjin went ahead and pulled the same face, sending heejun into a fit of giggles. He felt his heart swelling at being able to make heejun laugh like that. Considering heejun spent a large part of his life on the floor in hysterics this can't be considered very impressive but it felt good that he'd been able to do it all on his own. It felt like one step closer to normal. 

After he'd recovered heejun asked “should we go look for them?” In all honesty youjin preferred their situation as is, just him and heejun, but he couldn't come up with a good excuse why not to, so he started to stand reluctantly saying “I guess.” Just then the waitress came around with their food placing two steaming bowls of noodle soup in front of them. Youjin made a mental note to leave her a huge tip later. 

“Still waiting for your friends then?” 

“Uh yeah, seems like they might not be coming after all” Youjin answered “thanks for the food” Heejun was looking at him over his bowl with wide eyes “but hyung what if they got kidnapped?” Youjin couldn't actually tell if the younger boy was being serious but he said “please, three guys all over 180 centimetres? The kidnappers wouldn't know what to do with all those arms and legs, they wouldn't fit in the car” heejun giggled again and youjin could feel his cheeks turning pink. Heejun glanced at his cell again “oh see hyung the messages have been read!”

“Yeah and no one’s even bothered to respond.” youjin growled. He was about to send another angry message but he looked up when he heard a scraping noise. Heejun had picked up his bowl and carefully sat down on the bench right next to youjin. Looking up at him with a shy smile he said “Hyung is isn't it weird for us to be sitting so far apart at such a huge table when it's just the two of us?” youjin's whole body buzzed at the proximity, and his mind went again to how close they'd been last night, and what it had felt like to hold the maknae and run his finger through his soft hair… he abruptly realized he'd just been staring at heejun for the last few seconds and quickly mustered up a smile in return, then turned to his food his ears burning. He missed the soft pink blush that had coloured heejun's cheeks.

They both focused on the food after that, neither talking much. It wasn't uncomfortable though, the silence was companionable. Youjin couldn't help glancing at heejun every few moments. The third time he peeked at him he found heejun was already staring at him and they both blushed and looked away, but youjin couldn't help a small smile from creeping on his face. This happened a few more times, and each time they caught the other’s eye their smiles would get wider until by the end of the meal they were both laughing giddily. 

Youjin paid for them both and then they headed out still with faint smiles. “Are we going home now?” Heejun asked, and the smile slipped from youjin’s face. He hadn't actually been able to talk to heejun about what had happened last night, and although he wouldn't admit it he didn't want their little private outing to end - date his brain helpfully supplied, they were basically on a– no! Not a date definitely not a date.

“Ah actually there's... some thing I wanted to pick up before we go back” 

“What do you need hyung?”

Youjin cast around for something plausible he would need, he wasn't much of a shopper “I… I need … shoes! Yeah I need a new pair of shoes for practice” heejun eyed youjin's current shoes which still looked fairly new but didn't comment instead he said “okay sure, I’ll help you pick!” Youjin breathed out a sigh, he'd bought himself extra time but now he had to go shopping for something he didn't need. He was pretty careful with his money and preferred not to buy unnecessary things. Unlike heejun and rest of the members who were perpetually broke. 

At the mall they walked in and out of several shoe stores but youjin hardly paid any attention to the items on display. Instead he was focused on heejun who was running around excitedly picking out shoes and handing them to youjin to inspect. Smiling youjin would pretend to consider them and then always put them back saying he wanted to check a few more stores. It wasn't long before heejun started showing him more things as a joke than not, continuously picking out only the ugliest things he could find and insisting youjin buy them. 

Currently the maknae was giggling and ducking away from youjin who was threatening him with a pair of fluffy pink slippers that had SWAG written on them in gold letters. Suddenly he stopped dead staring at a display case with shoes that glowed in the dark and lit up when you walked. 

“Uwahh! Hyung you have to buy these, I'm not kidding they're so cool!” Youjin laughed “ya be serious I'm never going to find a pair of shoes at this rate” he honestly couldn't imagine himself wearing the light up shoes but he could definitely see heejun wearing them. “Aw hyung you're such a grandpa, why you gotta be be so boring” heejun whined.Youjin pretended to look offended at the grandpa comment “they'll be too distracting during practice” he said with a dismissive wave.

As he was turning to leave the store youjin caught the wistful look on the maknae’s face and then saw him surreptitiously check his wallet, and then follow after youjin looking dejected when he'd predictably found nothing in it. “Um you know what actually I did see a pair of shoes I wanted back there, wait right here.” 

Youjin ran back into the store grabbed a random shoe that heejun had shown him earlier and then asked the store clerk to bring heejun's size in the light up shoes, praying he'd remembered it right. Five minutes later he walked out of the store with two pairs of shoes in the bag. He was slightly breathless and his heart was beating fast, he'd never felt a rush like this while shopping before but somehow thinking about surprising heejun with the shoes later left him feeling excited and anxious. 

“Got em, lets go!” On the way out he had a hard time hiding his grin from the smaller boy beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't figure out where to end this chapter so I ended up cutting their "not date" in half. At this point I only have a vague idea of the ending because every time I start writing things end up going a lot differently than I'd planned. So I'm just a curious to see what happens next as you guys are!


	6. Chapter 6

Heejun had a pretty good guess as to why his three hyungs had disappeared at lunch. It probably had something to do with what inseong had witnessed last night. He saw that they were giving him and youjin a chance to work things out, and was thankful that they'd give up some delicious food for their sake. Although they were probably at a different restaurant just a few blocks away, so he's not that thankful. There's a limit to selflessness when it comes to food. 

On the way back to their table after confirming that none of the boy's were actually in the bathroom he debated what to do and how to handle the situation once it was just him and youjin again. Although confessing was right out of the question avoiding youjin had obviously bothered the older boy as well. Which surprised heejun, he had genuinely expected youjin to be fine possibly even relieved if he stopped pestering him. He'd expected to be the only one hurt but apparently that wasn't the case and he hated the tiny flame of hope that sparked up after this realization. He almost felt bad about how pleased he felt at youjin’s distress. 

By the time he arrive at the table he'd pretty much made up his mind to play it cool, and let youjin decide what to do. Ok act natural, natural, just be normal. He tried to school his features and regulate his breathing don't make it weird or he might decide to leave. He came up to the table to relay his findings to his Hyung. 

Although they chatted for a bit, seeing how preoccupied he was about messaging the others he realized youjin might be really uncomfortable in this situation. Even though he'd been having a good time he reluctantly suggested they leave to look for the missing members trying to be considerate and give youjin an out. His heart sank when youjin stood up. Oh my god are you actually going to cry about this he mentally kicked himself as tears threatened to prick at the corners of his eyes. 

He blinked rapidly when a bowl of noodles was set in front of him the steam warming his face. He couldn't believe it but youjin seemed to change his mind now that the food was here, and heejun thanked god that youjin took food so seriously, and hated to waste anything. 

Now that they were staying for sure heejun feigned concern and jokingly said “but hyung what if they got kidnapped?” And youjin answered “please, three guys all over 180 centimetres? The kidnappers wouldn't know what to do with all those arms and legs, they wouldn't fit in the car” bringing up a mental image that was truly hilarious to the maknae. As he was laughing he thought he spied a blush on youjin's cheeks and decided he needed a closer look. “Hyung isn't it weird for us to be sitting so far apart at such a huge table when it's just the two of us?” Although it was an excuse for him to observe his Hyung more closely (specifically the adorable blush) it also made sense. 

After their meal he thought it would be selfish to hope for more alone time with youjin and asked if he wanted to go home. When his hyung said he wanted to look for new shoes he was so overjoyed at spending more time with youjin that he didn't even point out that youjin's current sneakers were brand new, or that youjin hated shopping. Just skipped happily after his him. 

____

When youjin refused to buy the light up shoes for himself heejun couldn't just let them go, he couldn't get over how cool their dance practices would look if they all wore light up shoes… oh right. He had exactly 5000 won in his wallet. He closed it sadly and followed youjin out thinking about how he shouldn't have bought those comics and video games recently oh and that weird hat, definitely shouldn't have bought that. 

All of a sudden youjin spun around saying he wanted one of the shoes from that store after all. Heejun sat on a bench waiting for youjin. He'd had a really good time so far and he was super pleased with himself, that he hadn't made it weird or touched youjin too much or accidentally confessed. If youjin just wanted his friendship he thought he could do that happily enough for his Hyung. When youjin came out triumphantly with a grin on his face saying “got em, let's go!” He scolded himself for feeling disappointed that their outing was over. He could have gone to 50 or even 100 more stores with youjin if it meant more time like this spent with him. 

As they were walking back towards the dorm youjin suddenly grabbed heejun’s wrist and pulled him to the side saying “I uh wanted a coffee, I heard they have really good coffee at this place, do you want coffee?” He was speaking really fast and didn't even wait for a response before pulling a bewildered heejun into a cafe behind him. 

_____

Youjin was starting to panic while walking back to the dorm. He hadn't managed to find a good moment to bring up the topic of last night, and he realized his chance might be slipping away. He couldn't just start in the middle of the street but he didn't want to wait till they were home in case the rest of the guys were back. He started looking for a good spot for them to have a little talk, then he spied a coffee shop that looked like it might give them some privacy. He grabbed heejun’s arm and started dragging him towards the shop saying something about wanting coffee. 

His heart was in his throat as he sat down at the table with heejun. He had to clear his throat it a few times and take a sip of his drink. He took a breath but his mind was blanking out, even though he'd been thinking about what to say since last night. Right now, staring at heejun who was inspecting the cafe’s decor, his mind was blank like a sheet of paper and behind the paper was a tangled mess of thoughts that he couldn't sort out. 

______

He must have been really thirsty heejun thought, seeing as youjin hadn't said a word since they sat down in the cafe, he just kept taking sips of his americano. Heejun looked around the cafe, it was really nice actually, the chairs were comfy, over all very cozy. Outside it started to rain gently and the drops hitting the window were like a lullabye. He smiled slightly as his eyes began to close, lulled by the warm drink and contentedness of a good day. 

Youjin cleared his throat “heejun-ah, about l-last night…” heejun’s eyes snapped open, he'd almost been able to forget about that over the course of the day… almost. “ah well I just wanted say that it's ok. Whatever it is, although I wish you would just tell me, it's ok if you don't want to…” youjin was looking down at his lap, and heejun couldn't help comparing the image to that of a kicked puppy. Seeing youjin like this made his gut twist painfully but he knew it was better like this. He didn't even want to think about the look youjin would get if he were to tell him about his real feelings. “I'm just glad we’re friends again… I- uh I really missed you.” Youjin's cheeks were flaming now but he also offered up a shy smile to heejun. The same smile he had fallen for the first day they'd met. 

Heejun returned the smile tentatively. He bit his lip and then reached out to take youjin’s hand “me too.” He said softly. He was ready for the imminent rejection, ready for youjin to pull away, to brush his hand off. But nothing happened, if anything his Hyung actually squeezed his hand a little tighter. His heartbeat sped up a little. Be cool, take it easy, it doesn't mean anything. The moment stretched as neither seemed keen to move or disturb it.

“Excuse me, I'm so sorry but we’ll be closing in a few minutes” They both jumped at the intrusion of the barista, their hands flying apart. Heejun realized they'd been so wrapped up in their own world neither of them had noticed that they were the only people left and the staff had already begun cleaning up the tables and chairs. “Sorry about that we’ll get going” youjin answered still a little red in the face. 

Exiting the cafe they realized with dismay that the rain that had started while they were inside had turned into a downpour. The dorm was still a fifteen minute walk away, usually it wouldn't be a problem but they'd definitely be soaked before they could get even halfway back. Youjin started to pull his coat up over his head grumbling. Heejun turned to him with a grin “race you home!” 

“What?” Youjin shouted over the noise of the storm, still struggling with his coat.

But heejun was already off laughing and shouting “last one back buys ice cream tomorrow!” And youjin took off after him calling out “get back here you cheater!” 

______

Youjin sprinted after heejun pouring on the speed to catch up, no longer worrying about staying dry. When he caught up he grabbed the back of heejun’s shirt “hey you brat, slow down” heejun shrieked and laughed pulling away and dancing out of youjin’s reach. “Cmon Hyung don't be such an old man” before he knew it their building was in view. They'd run the whole way back racing and grabbing onto each other shouting (this was mostly heejun) and laughing themselves silly. Youjin could only imagine that they looked insane to the neighbours, laughing and running in the rain in the middle of the night, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. Not when heejun’s laugh was like music and his energy was like magic. 

They burst into the apartment still giggling and dripping everywhere. Taking off their soggy shoes and trying not to wake up the others. 

Youjin hung his coat up and brought a couple towels out laying one on top of heejun’s head. Now that they were in the light he could see that heejun was shaking. He grabbed heejun’s hands “heejun-ah you're freezing!” 

“I'm f-fine Hyung” but his chattering teeth gave him away. “What do you mean fine, your lips are blue and you can't stop shaking, you didn't even wear a jacket!” Youjin realized he was getting worked up and settled for scrubbing the towel over heejun’s wet hair with extra force. Heejun whined at the rough treatment. 

From there youjin started to pull at heejun’s shirt, intent on getting him out of his wet clothes. “H-hyung what are you d-doing” 

“You need to get changed into some dry clothes before you freeze to death!” He said exasperatedly still trying to get heejun out of his clothes. 

Heejun pulled away “I- I can do it myself Hyung” 

From the looks of it heejun could barely stand he was shaking so badly, but youjin decided he could be more useful by finding the kid some dry clothes. He went straight to his own closet as he didn't even want think about trying to find clean clothes in the nightmare that the maknae called a wardrobe, and pulled out a tshirt and some pyjama bottoms. 

When he got back heejun had stripped down to his boxers, which also seemed to be wet. Blushing youjin handed him the clothes and then turned around. “Here put these on.”

“Y-you can turn around now hyung” 

Despite the dry clothes heejun was still shivering. Youjin rubbed at the heejun’s arms to warm him up. He noted worriedly that the boy's skin was chilled. 

“Let’s get you in bed and under the covers so you can warm up” heejun, who was being uncharacteristically docile, allowed youjin to steer him towards the bedroom. 

Once he'd gotten heejun into bed youjin was about to leave but the maknae looked so small and cold huddled under the blankets. Something in his protective nature wouldn't let him walk away from heejun in this state. He sighed and grabbed the edge of the blanket, lifting it and sliding underneath. 

“Hyung w-what are you doing?” 

“Move over, you'll warm up faster if we share body heat, as your hyung it would be pretty irresponsible of me to let you freeze to death.” 

“Oh, thanks hyung”

Youjin hesitated for a moment his heart rate picking up, before throwing his arm over heejun and pulling him close. He hissed suddenly when the boy’s icy feet touched his leg and heejun recoiled quickly. 

“No no it's ok I just got surprised, I'm here to uh warm you up so go ahead and use me like an... electric blanket… or something” heejun had already gone ahead and snuggled closer as soon as he started speaking and it was getting harder for youjin to keep his train of thought intact. 

They laid in silence for a few minutes before heejun mumbled something into youjin's chest. 

“What was that?”

“I said ‘you owe me ice cream’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand that ends their "date," it ended up being so much longer than I thought, and I debated dividing into yet another chapter but I kinda just wanted to finish it up in one go instead bc I was afraid it would feel too choppy


	7. Chapter 7

There would be no ice cream though. Youjin woke up with a sweat soaked heejun still in his arms. Just touching his forehead youjin could already feel that he was burning up. Worry and guilt combined in his stomach to make him feel vaguely sick himself. 

He remembered noticing that heejun didn't have a jacket and was going to tell him to get one, but they were still awkwardly not talking at that point so he hadn't said anything. He mentally kicked himself, as the hyung he should have been more responsible, it was his job to look out for the younger members and he'd let his own social anxiety get in the way of that. He'd also been the one to keep heejun out late out of his own selfishness, if they'd just gone home a bit earlier they would have missed the rain. What it boiled down to was that it was his fault heejun was sick now.

He checked his phone. It was still pretty early and everyone else was still asleep. He didn't want to disturb heejun but he also thought something needed to be done about the fever. So as quietly as he could he slipped out bed and then out of the dorm. 

Fifteen minutes later he was coming back in with a convenience store bag full of every type of medication that heejun could possibly use. 

“Hyung what did you do to heejun?” 

Youjin looked up to see inseong was up, and he didn't look happy. 

“I didn't do anything to him.” He didn't know why he was suddenly feeling defensive when he'd been blaming himself just twenty minutes ago, but inseong’s disapproving look rubbed him the wrong way. “We got caught in the rain on the way home and he got soaked. How is he?” 

Inseong’s face softened “not good, he's obviously exhausted and he's running a high temperature.” 

Youjin went to grab a glass of water and then went into heejun's room. He set the water along with a couple fever pills on the bedside table. Heejun was still sleeping, albeit restlessly if the twisted sheets were anything to go by. His face was quite flushed and youjin could see a slight sheen of sweat coating his skin. 

“Hey” youjin spoke softly “how're feeling?” 

Heejun open his eyes and smiled weakly “never better” he croaked before opening his mouth to have a coughing fit. After that youjin volunteered to stay back from practice to take care of heejun for the day. 

8 hours late and youjin’s head was pounding and his throat was feeling scratchy. He'd made soup for heejun earlier and he tried to have some himself but he'll felt vaguely nauseous and just didn't have any appetite. 

The rest of the members came back to both youjin and heejun passed out and running fevers. They designated heejun’s room as the “quarantine area” and the two boys shared the room for the next week of shared suffering. 

Since the rest of the members and their manager still have to go out everyday they are mostly left to their own devices. Youjin enjoys, probably more than he would ever admit, whiling the days away chatting, marathoning dramas, and napping with heejun. Maybe it's the fever but he finds he’s not as uncomfortable as he once was being close to heejun. His heart rate still picks up and his face feels hot (although that must be the fever right?) but it's not terrible, in fact it might, might, even be kind of nice. 

After about a week they've both pretty much recovered and their resting days are over. The members walk in late one night, and immediately gave each other knowing smirks. The sight that greeted them was their oldest and youngest members passed out on the couch while the credits of a movie play. It was honestly baffling how they had managed to end up in such a tangled position. 

Fitting two large boys on one couch was a feat in itself and they only seemed to have managed it because youjin was mostly lying on top of heejun. They debated whether heejun needed saving or not. Seungjun checked if he was still breathing and they decided if he wasn't dead yet he'd be fine till morning. So they left them where they were, and moved off giggling quietly to themselves to get ready for bed.


	8. Chapter 8

“...-yung… -et off… can’t breath…”

Youjin was not ready to be awake yet but something kept hitting him. He groaned but didn't make a move.

“...move…” the hitting continued, what had he done to deserve this, to have his morning so rudely disturbed? “Hyung!”

Youjin hit the floor with a thump, he lay there blinking for a few seconds still completely disoriented. When he managed to open his eyes and sit up he saw heejun sitting up on the couch a pillow in his lap and a red face “sorry hyung but you were crushing me”

Youjin had half a mind to get up and crush heejun for real but instead he just grabbed the pillow from heejun, who yelped, and attempted to go back to sleep right there on the floor.

A few blissful minutes of silence passed then “hyung” something poked him in the back “hyuuuung” he could now tell it was heejun's foot and he was being rocked back and forth “hyung we have a schedule today, you have to get up.”

__

After that life goes back to normal. Or almost normal. Heejun isn't avoiding him anymore in fact youjin feels like they got closer but it's still not the same as before. Heejun isn't as effusive, doesn't beg for hugs, and definitely never comes to youjin looking to cuddle. More often than not youjin has to seek him out when he feels like spending time with the maknae, where before he never had to because Heejun basically followed him around constantly.

Skinship still has the same effect on him - his heart still thumps too fast, his skin tingles, he get shivers up his spine - but something there has changed too. Rather than finding those things unpleasant it excites him, the way standing at the edge of a tall building or watching a really good horror movie would, it might be terrifying but it's also a rush.

It starts small. Patting heejun's shoulder more often, resting his hand on his knee, petting his hair. It's almost imperceptible, but it escalates. Little touches to heejun's neck, arms, face, putting his arm around his slim shoulders and waist, always searching for that thrill.

  
The first time the first time someone actually comments on his behaviour he's sitting on the couch with heejun, his arm slung over heejun's shoulders, listening to heejun tell a funny story. He thinks watching heejun's facial expressions might be more fun than the actual story. He’s so animated and excited to tell the story even if jihun and Seungjun aren't really paying attention. To be honest it is a little hard to follow, even though youjin has been paying attention from the start, because heejun keeps laughing before he can get to the point of the story.

“Hey lovebirds, it's your turn to get your hair done.” Inseong walks into the room, makeup and hair looking impeccable.

Youjin looks around confused, Seungjun and jihun already had their hair done. When the realization hits him he feels his face go red and he quickly removes his arm from around heejun. “Are you talking to us?”

“Yeah? Who else would I be talking to?”

Heejun laughs nervously and scoots away from youjin a little “w-we’re not lovebirds hyung.”

Youjin eyed the space heejun had created between them and wondered how long heejun had been waiting to do that. He suddenly felt bad that he might've been doing to the maknae what many people had done to him by invading the other boy’s space without an invitation. He kept his hands to himself for the rest of the day.

Or at least he tried to. But it was harder than he thought, it had become a habit to be near heejun, to always have a hand on him, he was like a support. So now while trying to give the maknae some space he felt oddly off balance all day.

After the “lovebirds” incident heejun noticed youjin had been visibly bothered. Over the past weeks he'd gotten used to the attention, basked in it really. Despite promising himself he wouldn't, he might have even gotten hopeful that his youjin's relationship could go somewhere. But youjin's reaction to inseong’s (mostly) innocent comment brought that all crashing down fairly quickly. Considering how many times he'd felt this way before he easily pushed down his hurt feelings and went to go see youjin.

“Hyung, is there something wrong? Are you feeling sick? Do you want to go home?”

It took a second for youjin to even register heejun’s presence. “Ah… n-no I'm fine heejun-ah” he shook his head as if to clear it. “Actually, I wanted to apologize, I think I've been a bit overbearing recently, like today, I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable,” heejun opened his mouth to protest that he hadn't been uncomfortable at all, if it seemed that way it had only been because he was aware of youjin’s own discomfort, but youjin held up a hand so he could finish “so I completely understand if you'd like some space, you can tell me anytime.”

Heejun seriously considered saying that yes he did need space. Here he was being presented with an opportunity to finally, maybe, be able to get over his hyung and move on from kim youjin. It's what he'd been trying to do before on his own, and after that they could be proper normal friends, without all the inconvenient feelings (he hoped). But youjin's face looked sad and it was pretty much a part of heejun’s hardwiring to try and make the older boy smile.

“Of course not hyung!” It was out before he could stop himself “you could never bother me” he said this with a genuine smile. At this point he wasn't even sure if he was being selfish or selfless. He craved youjin’s attention and yet it was constant pain to be this close to him and with no promise of something… more. Space would be the healthiest thing for him, but it was also the last thing he wanted.

All these thoughts left his head when youjin smiled, his eyes crinkling and his cheeks going pink before he threw an arm around heejun and pulled him into his side. Heejun melted, whatever emotional hell he would have to pay later this was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update but I've been swamped with work. Leave me comments so I can find the motivation to do everything I need to do and update a little faster. Also just because it makes me happy ^^


	9. Chapter 9

And pay for it he did. He hadn't anticipated just how much it could hurt to be so close and also utterly without hope. Every time youjin hugged him he wanted to hug him back and snuggle into him, when youjin rested his hand on his knee he wanted to lay his hand over it and entwine their fingers, and when youjin did literally anything he wanted to kiss him. In fact wanting to kiss kim youjin had become a constant in his life, an itch he couldn't scratch. But in the end he did none of these things, just laughed along because he knew youjin was just joking around. And having youjin reject his touch or back away, at this point, was more than he could handle. So he tried to walk a very fine line of not exactly ignoring him but not exactly reciprocating the way he wished he could, always being cheerful and enthusiastic but always restraining himself before he went too far and crossed a line, and it was exhausting. 

 

Inseong's watched as the maknae crawled into his bed and curled up there under the blankets. Practice was hard but it shouldn't be this hard on Heejun who was always bursting with energy. He sighed and made his way over to sit beside the younger boy. “Heejun-ah tell hyung what's wrong”

 

“And you can't say nothing ok.” He added before the younger could respond.

 

Heenjum groaned under the covers “hyung I'm dying and youjin hyung is killing me.” 

 

Inseong rubbed heejun's back and hummed sympathetically. “I know I've said this before and I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but why don't you just tell him? At least you can get it off your chest and you never know what might come of it…”

 

Heejun sat up and looked at his hyung seriously, and if inseong noticed his eyes were a little red and puffy and his voice was a little stuffy he didn't comment on it. “Hyung if there's one thing I definitely can't do it's tell youjin hyung. I already know he doesn't like me like that so the only thing telling him I like him would do is ruin our friendship, and then ruin the group!” 

 

Inseong sighed and pulled heejun in to lean against his side “whatever you say kiddo.” Out of heejun’s line of sight he rolled his eyes, of course the two most difficult people in their group would fall for each other, and of course he'd somehow be caught in the middle. However unlike Heejun he was pretty sure the groups future would only be safe once the two idiots were together. 

 

_______

 

It's past midnight now, they have practice tomorrow, and Heejun still hasn't come to bed so youjin decides to go find him. He finds the younger in inseong's room, but rather than enter he lingers near the entrance. The two seem to be having a rather intimate moment, heejun’s leaning against inseong and they're whispering quietly to each other. Inseong lifts his hand to pat Heejun comfortingly. By now youjin has forgotten about getting Heejun to bed, and is simply watching the two through narrowed eyes, feeling rather cold and alone. 

 

After a moment he realizes he's been lurking and hastily moved off to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He tries to ignore whatever ugly feeling seems to be bubbling up inside him, but he can't help but feel annoyed that even now Heejun still won't come to him when he's having trouble or needs comfort. What was so special about inseong? And why wouldn't Heejun share anything with him? He'd noticed how easy and natural the skinship was between the two was, in comparison even though on the surface he and Heejun had gotten closer, there was always this odd tension when they touched, something electric that put them on edge. Whatever wall remained between them youjin felt determined to break it down, so he could be a proper hyung towards Heejun, so Heejun could come and share all his worries with him and youjin wouldn't have to watch other members do it instead. 

 

The next day youjin made sure to give Heejun special attention. He tried not to let it bother him if Heejun didn't respond enthusiastically to his efforts, he really tried not to stare at the younger boy for too long, trying to figure out if he was happy or upset and what he needed, and he really really really tried not to punch inseong when he kept picking Heejun up or fixing the maknaes hair, or sharing a water bottle. 

 

He knew Heejun liked affection so he tried to shower him in it. He smiled at him and placed the maknae’s head on his shoulder when he was dozing off in the waiting room. He fixed heejun's hair and plucked imaginary eyelashes off his cheeks between takes while they filmed. He grabbed heejun’s hand and played with his fingers on the car ride back to the company, making comments about how much smaller the younger boy’s hands were than his own (and thinking how perfectly they fit together). 

 

During practice heejun kept messing up so he patted his hair and told him not to worry, and threw as many encouraging smiles across the room as he could. But even so as practice continued Heejun looked increasingly worn out and defeated. 

 

“Ok that's all for tonight guys,” their dance instructor said “and Heejun-ah I need you to get it together by tomorrow, you're a good dancer so I don't know why you're like this today, but make sure it doesn't happen again.” 

 

Heejun bowed dutifully and apologized to the instructor looking thoroughly miserable. Youjin’s blood boiled, it's not like Heejun wasn't aware of his mistakes, so why did the instructor have to call him out like that, and force him to apologize. He wanted to go hug the maknae and comfort him, but Heejun had just thrown everything haphazardly into his bag and pushed out of the practice room ahead of everyone else. 

 

________

 

Since the moment he got up youjin has been worse than usual. Not that heejun’s really complaining but it's making his life hard. How was he supposed to control himself when youjin was inches away breathing on his face while trying to pick off the third eyelash that had fallen on his cheek that day (Heejun makes a note to look up premature eyelash loss.) 

 

Youjin practically holding and stroking his hands the whole ride back to the company already had him in a distracted mood, so practice was off to a rocky start. On top of that every time he caught sight of his hyung he was smiling at him, usually causing his heart to skip a beat and his feet to miss a step, and honestly? He didn't need this right now. He was already exhausted and on one side he had youjin throwing him dazzling (and distracting) smiles and on the other their dance teacher throwing him increasingly dark looks with every mistake he made. Even during break when he thought he could take a moment to sort himself out and calm down so he could concentrate on dancing, youjin showed up to play with his hair and left him feeling dizzy and floaty, and completely useless. 

 

When practice ended and he got scolded like he knew he would he just quickly apologized, feeling drained and like he needed to escape all the  _ feelings _ youjin kept pulling up inside him. His head whirled with thoughts as he packed up his bag and headed out. He thought about what youjin had said at that photoshoot the other day, about how heejun could tell him if he wanted space anytime. Heejun was aware it would hurt youjin’s feelings, but weren’t his own feelings important too? It was honestly the last thing he wanted to do, but his feelings were starting to affect his performance so even if it wasn’t for himself he had to do something for the sake of the rest of his hyungs. He started to think seriously about how he could ask youjin for some space without causing them to fallout with each other. 

 

By the time they were home he just about had it worked out, but about thirty seconds later everything went to shit anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost at the end now :O sorry for taking such a long break, I kind of lost inspiration and ended up working on completing other stories before coming back to this one. but I know where this one is going now so the wait shouldn't be too long!


	10. Chapter 10

Everyone piled into the entry hall kicking off shoes and arguing about who got to shower first. Heejun however didn't bother, choosing instead to flop in front of the tv, letting the others shower first. Even though youjin had first dibs on the shower already he told seungjun to go ahead. Instead in he sat down beside Heejun and observed the other boy, who's glassy stare was fixed on the screen. The tv blared some variety show with a laugh track but Heejun wasn't laughing along with it. It was so unusual to see him like this, Heejun was the kind of kid who laughed at everything, and if he wasn't laughing he was making others laugh. Youjin had always envied that about him, but also admired it. He couldn't help but think the younger boy looked pretty even when he was sad, or at least distracted and deep in thought.

 

Even though he was well aware of his designation as the least fun member he felt the need to at least try and get Heejun to smile a little. He scooted closer on the couch and casually draped his arm over heejun's shoulders. He was hoping Heejun would relax and lean against him but instead he just said in an exasperated tone “ah hyung it's heavy.” and removed his arm. That stung a bit, but he tried not to let it show. He wondered if this was how Heejun had felt before, when he'd refused to let the younger hug him. He settled for for laying his hand on heejun’s knee, a little overly aware of where his thumb brushed soft skin through a rip in his jeans. 

 

“Hey, you know it's ok to mess up sometimes–”

 

“Hyung I know, I'm not upset about practice today so don't worry about it.” Heejun cut him off in a curt voice.

 

Youjin was at a loss, he swallowed hard trying not to get upset over the younger boy’s words. Obviously something was bothering Heejun, and he's worried the same thing will happen again. That Heejun will cut him off and start ignoring him again, start avoiding him like before. It's not even like he's thinking about what's best for the group anymore, he just can't handle being on bad terms with Heejun. He swallowed past a slight lump in his throat. 

 

“I– I know I've said this before but, you know you can tell me anything right?” He shifted so he was facing Heejun, and tried to catch the younger boy’s eye, but his gaze remained firmly on the tv as if whatever stupid show was on really required all his attention. So he grabbed both of heejun's hands in his, he wanted to tell him that he would respect his space but he also wanted to beg the maknae not to avoid him. 

 

“Heejun-ah I–” but that's as far as he got. 

 

Heejun stood up suddenly ripping his hands out of youjin’s grip “hyung honestly! don’t you have any concept of personal space?” 

 

Youjin had no idea where this was coming from and could only look at the maknae in shock. “I what– Heejun… I was only–” 

 

“I think I preferred you before when you weren't so clingy.” Heejun says. His voice sounds dead and he won't even look at youjin. 

 

Youjin's eye’s sting but he's not the type to cry, instead the hurt morphs into anger which burns hot in youjin's chest. He'd tried so hard for the kid standing in front of him.  _ I'm the one who hates skinship, _ he thinks, _ all this was just to make Heejun happy! _ He conveniently ignored how much he'd come to enjoy being close to the smaller boy in that moment. He could hardly think straight because he was panicking, all he could think was  _ it's happening again, and I don't know how to stop it. _

 

“You don't seem to care about personal space when inseong is all over you!” He recognizes that his voice is getting increasingly louder, but he can't stop himself now “or any of the other members for that matter, SO WHAT. THE HELL. IS YOUR SPECIFIC PROBLEM WITH ME?” He'd completely lost it, he knew he'd ruined everything now. Heejun was never going to speak to him again. 

 

“THAT’S BECAUSE I’M NOT FUCKING IN LOVE WITH THEM!” 

 

dead silence. Both of them are breathing hard like they've run a marathon. Heejun is finally looking at him and he looks horrorstruck. His eyes are wide and his mouth gapes, youjin thinks he probably looks the same. 

 

“What–”

 

But he can't finish his question before Heejun whispers “oh god” and immediately sprints to the door. It slams a second later behind him. It's not like he knew what to say anyways.

_______

“What the hell was that?” Jihun is standing in the hallway, fresh from a shower, and had clearly witnessed the whole debacle. Actually not just jihun, youjin realized, as he saw seungjun and inseong’s heads peeking out from behind jihun. 

“I…” youjin couldn't formulate words right now, let alone a sentence, let alone an entire explanation. The room seemed to spin around him full of emotions and thoughts he couldn't seem to grasp. Had Heejun just confessed to him? Is that what had happened? Very slowly pieces started to click into place, he felt like he was struggling to put together even simple thoughts. 

Heejun had screamed that he wasn't in love with the other members… which meant he  _ was  _ in love with youjin… which meant...? 

“Dude what are you waiting for?”

His head snapped up to see the remaining members of knk all looking at him disapprovingly. He just looked back at them helplessly.

“Go after him you idiot!” Inseong looked like he was in physical pain at how slow youjin was being. 

He stood up “but– what do I say to him?” He was starting to panic, feeling like he needed to find Heejun as soon as possible but not knowing what to do once he found him. 

Seungjun rolled his eyes “tell him you fucking love him too.” 

“But I'm not in love with him?” 

It's almost too much for inseong, he's not going to let youjin mess this up because of stubborn blindness. He nearly pounces on the older boy, pushing him back down onto the couch by the shoulders. Jihun and seungjun weren't far behind. 

“Youjin hyung please. Do you like Heejunie?” 

“Well yeah of course…” 

“And you like to be near him?”

“Yeah…” 

“And do you wanna hold him?”

“I–”

“And maybe kiss him?”

“...uh” 

“Does it make you happy when he smiles?”

“I guess–”

“And you become a useless sulky mess if he ignores you.”

“What no I-”

“Hyung the answer to all those questions is yes.” Jihun finally chimes in. 

“Dude just  _ think _ about how you've been behaving, that's a little more than just friendship.” Seungjun adds helpfully.

“I never said I wanted to kiss him!” Youjin is trying to hold onto something reasonable, because he wasn't in love with his band mate… he wasn't… was he?

An image of heejun's mouth popped into his head, his lips always looked so soft… he shook his head but more images of heejun's face only inches from his own, tears staining his cheeks came up unbidden. The electric shivers that raced across his skin when Heejun touched him. How right it felt when the younger was tucked into his side. All these raced across his mind ending on an image of Heejun looking up at him with sparkling eyes and a smile so wide and full it made Youjin warm even though it was only imagined. 

“Hey, go find him.” Seungjun says softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowww did youjin finally figure out his feelings? idk if I like the way I wrote this chapter but oh well here it is.


	11. Chapter 11

Youjin is on his feet, his heart thumping fit to beat out of his chest. He doesn't know what it is exactly between him and Heejun but it’s been simmering just under the surface for so long, it feels like everything is finally boiling over in his head and all he can think about now is heejun heejun heejun. He had no idea how the others had known before he knew himself but they were right, it's _something_ more than friendship. Something deeper, more important, earth shattering (at least to him). Suddenly he's frantic, he just let Heejun leave like that. How long has it been? How long has Heejun been out by himself feeling unwanted?

Youjin was scrambling to tug on his shoes when he notices heejun's were still lying in the entryway. He groaned in frustration, he loved the kid but he could be such an idiot. Youjin realized that in his fit of dramatics the maknae had left the dorm without shoes.

He was going to pick up the ratty sneakers in front of him when he suddenly remembered a certain pair of light up shoes that had been sitting in his closet for a while now. He'd never quite found the right moment to gift them, as he'd wanted it to be special, it definitely wasn't because he'd been feeling petty about Heejun giving other members more attention.

He ran back to his room not caring about leaving dirty footprints behind him and snatched the shoebox from the pile of clothes he had hidden them under. Then ran back past the three remaining members who all seemed to be laughing at him but he really couldn't care less.

He shot out the door wondering which way he should look for heejun. _Where would a sad barefoot kid with no money go in the middle of the night?_ He picked a direction and started running, looking everywhere so he wouldn't miss him. He tried to recall what heejun had been wearing, it had been his usual track pants and an oversized hoodie, which now that youjin thinks of it, is one of his. He can’t help but shake his head and grin, he used to get so annoyed with the members for taking his things, especially heejun since his clothes didn’t even fit the smaller boy, but now he could only think of it as cute. He had thought heejun looked adorable in the hoodie which was huge on him, and he’d made everyone laugh when he pulled the hood on and it had flopped right over most of his face.

He finally stopped jogging, he’d passed two parks and hadn’t seen heejun, and he didn’t think the kid would get much further than this with no shoes so he decided to double back and check other streets.

Youjin had been up and down several streets by now and he was starting to worry he might’ve missed Heejun somewhere, or not gone far enough on one of the previous roads. He kept checking his phone for the time getting more and more desperate as the minutes ticked by.

He started down the next road and it wasn't long before he spotted a figure, with bare feet practically drowning in a hoodie, in front of the convenience store they frequented for midnight snack runs. He couldn't see heejun’s face because the hood was pulled low over his bent head, but he had no doubt it was him.

Youjin slowed down as he got closer, realizing he had no plan for what he would do once he found heejun. The bag with the shoes felt heavy in his hand now that he wasn't as frantic and some of the adrenaline had left his system.

He swallows thickly as he approaches Heejun. He thought Heejun would have looked up and noticed him but the boy keeps his head down resolutely, the absolute picture of misery. Youjin's attention wanders to the to younger’s bare feet, they're dirty and he's pretty sure he can see blood. Idiot must have stepped on something sharp because of course he was too busy being dramatic to watch where he was walking. The sight made up youjin’s mind for him and he quickly changed trajectories to walk past Heejun and into the convenience store behind him.  
_______

There was something in his foot, and it sent a sharp pain up his leg every time he moved his foot. He had stepped on something sharp as he ran blindly from the dorms, and he'd only just barely been able to limp to the table he was currently sitting at. He knew he'd have to deal with the cut in his foot sooner or later but he was going to go with later for now. First he needed to wallow in self pity for a bit, and maybe have a cry before he thought about the terrible infection he was probably going to get.

Heejun pulled the hood of his sweatshirt up, it smelled of youjin, and then he really did start to cry. God he was so stupid. He'd gone and told youjin the one thing he'd sworn he wouldn't, and he hadn't just told him, he'd screamed it in his face and then run away like a coward. Months of effort put into keeping it together, for the sake of their friendship and the band, only to end up with the worst possible situation.

He doesn't even know how he could face youjin after that embarrassing display let alone take a rejection from him. If he'd had shoes he probably would've left the city, as it is he'll probably just sit at this table until he dies (which will hopefully be soon) rather than drag himself back to the dorms.

Time passed, he had no idea how long since he hadn't brought his phone either, but his eyes started to get heavier. It felt like he'd been up for days rather than one single very tiring day. Maybe when he woke up he'd be in his bed and this whole disaster would turn out to have been a bad dream and everything would continue just how it was before.

Heejun woke up with a start, his foot was on fire the pain even worse than when he'd initially cut it. He screamed and flailed trying to get away from the pain, when his foot connected with something that made an “oof” sound.

“Dammit Heejun I need to clean your cuts”

“Hyung?”

Heejun found himself staring down in confusion at youjin, who was sitting on his butt on the sidewalk holding his face (where Heejun had evidently just kicked him).

Heejun was at a loss, if anyone were to come get him he'd expected their manager or inseong “what are you doing here?”

“Stop asking me that. You're always asking ‘what are you doing?’ ‘why are you here?’ What do you think I'm doing here!?”

Heejun bit his lip, youjin almost never lost his cool, he always just answered heejun's questions logically and calmly.

“I'm taking care of you, that's what I'm doing here.” He grumbled “Or at least I was _trying_ to, before you kicked me in the face.”

Heejun looked down and continued to chew his lip in silence, but he did gently put his foot back in youjin’s hands. He did his best to stifle a whimper when the stinging resumed as youjin went back to cleaning the cuts - apparently there were more than he’d thought.

Heejun finally opened his mouth when youjin had moved on to bandaging the wounds. “Why are you always taking care of me? Why didn’t anyone else come?”

Youjin coughed “I– I’m your hyung, I should take care of you.” It was a normal enough thing to say, but youjin’s face was getting redder by the second.

Heejun took a breath, he might as well do this properly, “but why are you taking care of me really?” It came out barely more than a whisper.

Youjin just sat there staring down at his lap. Heejun sighed “hey can I ask you for a favour?”

Youjin was obviously caught off guard by the change in topics “uh sure.”

“Can we pretend that I never said anything to you back at the dorm?” If this was happening it would happen on his terms, Heejun at least wanted to explain things properly so youjin wouldn’t worry.

“O-okay” youjin looked slightly confused but otherwise his expression was unreadable.

“Thanks.” Heejun shifted in the chair “so in light of the fact that I left the house without saying a damn thing… there’s something I want to tell you.”

Youjin looked up at him, a strange expression on his face, it was so intense Heejun started to feel hot. He played with the cords on his hoodie to keep his hands from shaking “hyung…” he took a breath to steady himself, he was aware that every time he pulled on the hoodie strings the hood closed further around his face, but he couldn’t help himself. This was a bad idea, he’d only be embarrassing himself again, he would’ve run if he wasn’t so tired already and in so much pain - both emotional and physical.

“I like you, I really really like you, I’ve liked you for as long as I’ve known you,” by now the opening of his hood was so small he couldn’t even see youjin and honestly it was better like this, this way he wouldn’t have to see the pity and disgust on youjin’s face in real time. “and I know you don’t like me like that but I had to tell you, it’s been eating me for so long, I’m sorry I couldn’t control my heart and ended up bothering you a lot, but I promise I’ll try to get over this as soon as possible so–“

He was abruptly cut off when he was yanked forward by the strings of his hoodie and a pair of warm lips covered his own. He flailed for a moment as this was really the last thing he’d ever expected, but after a moment he melted into it as those lips were so firm and reassuring.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while now but you wouldn’t shut up.”

Heejun ripped the hood away from his face just in time to see youjin sitting back on his heels, looking both pleased and a little dazed. Heejun himself was floored, if he hadn’t already been sitting he would’ve fallen over. He slowly lifted his fingers to his lips, which were still tingling, tried to recall the exact feeling of youjin’s lips on his own but couldn’t quite catch it.

As he sat there spacing, it seemed youjin had gotten uncomfortable waiting for a reaction. He cleared his throat a couple times then reached behind himself. “Um… I– I brought you shoes… for uh for the walk back.” His face had gone redder if that was possible. Heejun just stared at him wondering why his sneakers would make youjin blush.

“Oh thanks hyung, that was thoughtful.” To be honest Heejun wasn’t really paying attention to the bag youjin had set in front of him, he was too busy thinking about kissing youjin again, about when the right moment would be. He needed to confirm what had just taken place because he wasn’t actually sure this was real. He absentmindedly grabbed a shoe youjin was offering him and then nearly had a heart attack when it started flashing in his hand.

Heejun stared at the shoe, which was currently flashing red blue and green in his hands. “Wait these were for me?”

Youjin scratches at the back of his neck “y-yeah you really seemed to like th–“ he was cut off when Heejun threw himself into his arms and youjin had to struggle for a moment so they wouldn’t both end up on the ground. Heejun’s arms were wrapped tightly around his neck and yet even though youjin usually hated this kind of thing he found all he really wanted to do was hug the boy in his arms back just as tight. So he did. He heard Heejun laugh breathlessly in his ear and then whisper “thanks hyung.”

They stayed like that for a while, neither kept track of time, instead just enjoying the closeness for as long as it felt good. Vaguely youjin was aware that they must look strange: two boys sitting on the ground in front of a convenience store holding each other and a pair of light up shoes. That’s when something occurred to youjin, Heejun hadn’t actually seemed that surprised to see the shoes, rather that they were for him.

“Wait a sec did you already know about the shoes?”

It’s was heejun’s turn to blush, he nodded “I saw them in your closet… when I was stealing one of your hoodies.” Heejun sat back and grinned at youjin cheekily, “are you sure you didn’t buy them for yourself and then get too embarrassed to wear them?”

Youjin scoffed at that “no, I bought them because you looked like you were gonna cry when you didn’t have the money for them at the store”

Heejun hadn’t been anywhere near ready to cry about the shoes in the store, but he felt himself tearing up now. Somehow, holding these stupid light up shoes in his hands, everything finally felt real, rather than another cruel dream that he’d wake up from only to find youjin indifferent to him as usual. It was like proof that youjin hadn’t been indifferent at all, and that he’d cared for (maybe even loved - but Heejun didn’t want to get ahead of himself) Heejun for a while now

Just the fact that youjin had noticed and cared enough to go back and buy him something was enough to send Heejun over the moon. He couldn’t help but hug the shoes tightly to his chest.

He heard youjin laugh softly in front of him “it’s not a teddy bear” he took the shoe from Heejun and fitted it onto his foot. Heejun slipped the other one on as well and youjin grabbed his hand to pull the younger boy up saying “let’s see how they look.”

Heejun thought they looked cool as hell. He spent a second admiring them, when he looked up to see youjins reaction the older boy was looking at him with rosy cheeks, which in turn made Heejun flush and look down. With every second that passed since the kiss it started to feel more and more like a dream, like maybe it hadn’t happened after all, but the adoring look in youjin’s eyes and the blush on his cheeks felt like confirmation. Now that he wasn’t desperately trying to suppress his feelings for youjin, now that he wasn’t terrified of rejection, it hit him just how much he loved the older boy. He had been fooling himself thinking if he ignored his feelings they would go away because here he was, more in love than he’d ever been.

It suddenly became very important that he kiss youjin again. He took a step forward, but pain suddenly flared up from his foot catching him by surprise. He stumbled and threw out his hands to catch his fall but instead strong hands wrapped around his biceps stopping his fall. Unfortunately one of his flailing hands ended up smacking youjin in the face while he tried to rebalance heejun.

“Honestly when are you going to stop hitting me, I think being around you is bad for my health.” Youjin laughed.

Any embarrassment Heejun might have felt was greatly overshadowed by the fact that he felt like he was literally living out some of his fondest fantasies. How many times had he imagined (and tried to make it happen) youjin catching him in his strong arms like this. He couldn’t help laughing in delight. “Sorry hyung, shall I kiss it better?”

Youjin’s eyes widened in surprise, “I- I uhh…” and heejun’s heart plummeted, he hadn’t realized just how light his chest had become until youjin’s hesitation yanked him back to reality and all his insecurities and fears of rejection. It was finally happening, youjin hadn’t meant it, he hadn’t been serious, he was just being nice like usual, Heejun had completely misread the situation…

Heejun was so busy having an internal meltdown he almost missed the whispered “yes” youjin coughed and cleared his throat “y-yeah I think that might help.”

Youjin’s cheeks had flared up again all rosy. It took a second to process that kim youjin was blushing and asking heejun to kiss him. His face split into a huge grin and he threw himself into youjin’s arms for the second time that day. But this time he didn’t waste any time before peppering youjin’s face with kisses. Youjin started to laugh under the onslaught but didn’t pull away.

When Heejun finally pulled back, breathless, he said “all better now?”

Youjin’s eye’s fluttered open again, he totally looked blissed out but he said “you missed a spot.” with a grin, then pointed at his lips.

Heejun leaned in and kissed him, then he kissed him again just because he could. Then he leaned his head against youjin’s chest and whispered “let’s go home hyung.”

Youjin stroked his hair a few times then agreed “yeah let’s go, also the convenience store owner has been staring at us for the past 10 minutes, I think we might have traumatized him.”

Heejun laughed at that and started to walk in the direction of home when youjin grabbed his arm “where do you think you’re going?”

Heejun had been fully prepared to hobble back to the dorms in his new light up shoes but youjin turned around and said “get on.”

“Hyung I’m fine, see?” And Heejun took a limping step as if to prove his feet weren’t in huge amounts of pain.

“I don’t care just get on, I haven’t been a good hyung to you recently, and if I’m going to be your boyfriend I need to step up my game.” Heejun almost choked at the word boyfriend, but he got on to youjin’s back without another argument, the word _boyfriend_ echoing around his head over and over.

Heejun laid his head against youjin’s back, soaking up the heat and strength radiating from the older boy. With the physical weight off his feet, and emotional weight off his chest he suddenly realized just how exhausted he was, how much of a toll bottling his feelings up had taken on him.

He could have fallen asleep there, but he was jostled as youjin stopped for a moment to adjust his grip and hike Heejun a little higher on his back.

“I can get down if I’m too heavy hyung.” He didn’t want to get down, but he also didn’t want to start their relationship by giving youjin back problems.

“Absolutely not, you're staying put until we get back and I deposit you directly into bed.” And as if to back this up Heejun felt youjin’s grip tighten around his legs.

Heejun was pleased beyond words at this and couldn’t help himself from planting a quick kiss on youjin’s cheek. From there he proceeded down his neck and behind his ear, and on to his shoulder, enjoying the warmth of skin on skin.

Every kiss that Heejun presses to youjin’s skin sends electric shivers down his spine. They feel good, exciting, like the start of something new and amazing, and for once youjin welcomes his accelerating heartbeat like an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry to anyone who might have thought I abandoned this ;A; But this chapter took forever to finish. Partly because of some significant life developments and partly because I’ve been so busy. I usually write before bed to relax but I was always so tired I could barely write a sentence before falling asleep. Also this was just a tough one to write and I wanted to wrap everything up in one go. Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed the story!! This is technically the end, but I’m considering adding an epilogue if I can think of enough material for it. If you guys have any suggestions or things you would have liked to see in this story please let me know so I can consider it for the epilogue ^^


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